Winter Dance Concert
Though it is almost six months after the 2022 Winter Dance Concert, I cannot help but still revisit the times of rehearsal and performance. The experience definitely unlocked a core memory that I will store in a special stash forever.
As a dancer for DC20 and DC21 (which was online), being a choreographer for DC22 brought about unprecedented challenges, especially when my dance was also culturally significant. The struggle came in layers. Yes, there was the surface part of teaching dance moves which are drastically different from western dances to the dancers, but there was also an internal conflict.
Putting together a traditional Chinese dance initially seemed to me like showing my culture to the Milton community, like I am the representative of the 5,000+ years of Chinese history. This initial mindset had my tossing and turning in bed for many nights. Am I the best candidate to take on this immense task of showing everyone Chinese culture? Because to put it quite frankly, I am not even Chinese.
I, like the vast majority of the Milton community, was born in the States. Though I moved back to China at 6 months old and was raised in Beijing, I went to an international school that primarily taught in English and was identified by a little navy blue book instead of a little maroon one. Making friends with the local Chinese kids was not hard, but as soon as the fact that I have an American passport and speak fluent English comes into discussion, the conversation dynamic changes. There was always going to be a pause, and then the conversation would still continue but with a twist of awkwardness. It would feel like they built me a wall with cling film. I can see them, hear them, and understand them, but there is just something indescribably off. Thus, despite the year upon years of living in China, speaking Chinese, and training in Chinese dance, I am still, in the other “locals’” eyes, a foreigner and an American, to be specific. However, after coming to Milton the fall of 2019, I realized that, despite the Chinese people and my passport’s hinting that I am from the United States, there was almost nothing about me that was American.
My freshman year at Milton was a phase that taught me many lessons that the Chinese back home might have thought this “American girl” knew. I learned the rules of American Football, the year the declaration of independence was signed, and the verses to “Super Bass.” Most importantly, I was introduced to contemporary dance. Unlike traditional Chinese dance that prized itself on smaller, more intricate movements, contemporary dance can be more creative and subjective though still having its unique rules. The more I did contemporary dance, the more memories of Chinese dance I let go. Ultimately, when the idea of choreographing a Chinese dance sparked in my head, I did not know where to start. How can I be a good representative of my culture?
During rehearsal days, I stood in front of my dorm room mirror everyday and brainstormed millions of ideas of how to make my dance look Chinese. Until, I gave up. Not on the dance of course, but on the mindset of trying to teach people about my culture and being a good teacher for it. Maybe the dance, because it was choreographed by someone who is Chinese but is also exposed to western culture from a young age through education, is not going to be the Chinese dance I initially envisioned. Maybe instead of being a representative of Chinese culture, I can just be a representative of myself.
With that mindset, I began to choreograph a dance representing the hardships in construing my identity. The flowy costumes and dance moves were contrasted with the sharp drum beats of traditional Chinese drums. The choreography showed moments of harmony and chaos. All these elements fed into the idea of struggling to sit comfortably in one's own identity of the lack of it. Then again, you are welcome to offer other interpretations of the dance.
At this point you might ask me: Vivian, what about being a representative of Chinese culture? Well, I don’t think there is such a thing. There are 1.4 billion Chinese people and many more who, like me, have different nationalities but are still of Chinese descent. Everyone has a different interpretation of being Chinese, there simply cannot exist one person that can speak or dance on behalf of all Chinese people. However, what each Chinese person can do is share their story revolving around their identity, and we, as both fellow Chinese people and or people of the world, listen, validate, and celebrate those experiences.
At the end, I just want to thank everyone for watching, clapping for, or participating in my dance. If it weren’t you guys cheering me on, I would’ve never thought to step out of my shell and present parts of me that I tend to keep hidden. Thank you all for helping me unlock this core memory.